Those of us on the tapes, we can’t go back, either. We can never not find a package on our doorstep. Or in our mailbox. From that moment on, we’re different. — Clay Jensen

Thirteen Reasons Why

Jay Asher

漢娜的遺言

Regretting, apologies and self-blaming were what Clay always felt to Hannah and they got heavier when he was listening tapes. At first, Clay was frightened when receiving the box that in his memory, his had few interactive with Hannah and what he had done also had little percentage to press her to die.

In Clay’s eyes.

You don’t belong in the same way as the others. It’s like that song: One of these things is not like the others. One of these things just doesn’t belong.

And that’s you, Clay. But you need to be here if I’m going to tell my story. To tell it more completely.

Above was the reason why Clay was included, he was a key that can complete her story. There was a party that played an absolutely indispensable role in the story string. During the party, Clay and Hannah kissed, they confessed their affections to each other. But the kiss ended when Hannah was suffered by bad memory of Justin, a boy who really had her first kiss. Clay actually liked Hannah, but he often cowered because of lack of courage. Those opportunities of miss saving Hannah always let him blame himself.

The longer I listen to these tapes, the more I feel know about her. Not the Hannah from the past few years, but the one from the past few months. That’s the Hannah I’m beginning to understand.

Hannah at the end.

In Clay’s eyes, Hannah was a girl who was beautiful, diligent and nice to get along with. Furthermore, Clay did not trust any rumor and negative comment to Hannah, he always believed Hannah was a sincere girl that would not do such things. But by listening tapes, he finally knew those details of what had happened in Hannah. Those cruel incidents occurred him that he had never understood Hannah before. Sadly, he knew much true Hannah after her departure because every time Hannah again fell down to the abyss of rumor, Clay never gave her a hand because of he was afraid that Hannah might consider him weird. He gave up each chance he can save Hannah from searching for death.

Once, in Mr. Porter’s class, when those girls were teasing her, Hannah looked up. Her eyes caught mine for just a moment. A flash. But she knew I was watching her. And even though no one else saw it, I turned away.

She was on her own.

By recalling those scenes by tapes. At the time Hannah was teased in class or after being betrayed, Clay had already been familiar with seeing Hannah walking alone. The same, he always let the chance of Saving Hannah slip away from his hands. While Clay did sometimes want to ask Hannah when listening tapes that because she never told him what had actually happened or the detailed process, he of course can not give her a hand on time. That is, Clay might need to take some responsibilities to Hannah’s death because of his coward personality, while he on the other hand had no fault because he was only a student as well. Otherwise, Hannah maybe can try to tell Clay what she thought, that might can save her from death by seeking for help proactively. Unfortunately, those “maybe” were too late as Hannah had already left us.

“I’m sorry.” Once again, those were the words. And now, anytime someone says I’m sorry, I’m going to think of her.

But some of us won’t be willing to say those words back. Some of us will be too angry at Hannah for killing herself and blaming everyone else.

I consider this part is one of the saddest parts. As what Clay had understood, those people who were blamed by Hannah for her death might not confess and even unwilling to give her a sorry. Then, the word “sorry” yet have Clay to think of Hannah. The word had already been a presentation of Hannah, the left Hannah.